One month more til I leave Hungary~
I will go back to the states~
I’m not sure if I am ready~
But I can’t extend my stay~
(Read to the tune of Javert’s section in “One Day More” from Les Miserables.)
(Side note: I sobbed both times I watched Les Mis and honestly, I have no shame, that musical kills every single one of my feels-—no, no. It obliterates my feels. Completely and utterly destroys me like Thanos did to half the population when he snapped his fingers.)
(Okay, back to the subject at hand…)
So, guys. One month. That’s how much longer I have in Piliscsaba, Hungary. Just one month.
I’m seriously not sure if I’m ready to leave. For a myriad of reasons. The first being, I don’t want to say goodbye to the friends I’ve made. I want to take them all back with me. I know that I can still talk with (most of) them via social media, but there’s nothing like a good face-to-face chat with your loved ones! ❤
(Also, I’m broke, so flying back to Hungary to visit them anytime in the next, say, five years, is probably not going to happen…)
The second reason is more political. I won’t get too much into it, but let’s just say that I don’t want to live in a world where my own heartbeat (that has kept me going for almost twenty-three years) has less value than something that doesn’t have a brain, consciousness, or means to survive outside of my body.
I don’t want to live in a world where the heartbeats of trans* and other LGBT+ individuals matter less than something that doesn’t have a brain, consciousness, or means to survive outside of a woman’s body.
I don’t want to live in a world where the heartbeats of adults and children—be they students, refugees, people of color, Muslim, orphans, or even those that have been raped—matter less than something that doesn’t have a brain, consciousness, or means to survive outside of a woman’s body.
I don’t want to live in a world where America still hasn’t done a thing besides “thoughts and prayers” to stop school/mass shootings, but we’ll give rights to something that doesn’t have a brain, consciousness, or means to live outside of a woman’s body.
I don’t want to live in that world, and I certainly do not believe that is the world God wants us to have on earth. But I don’t want to get too much into that right now.
What I want to share with you all, is about change.
“To say goodbye is to die a little.”
I will be saying goodbye to so many things—people and places, comforts and discomforts, objects and surroundings. It’s going to be hard. I’ve grown accustomed to living a certain way:
- Walking everywhere and taking the train when I can’t
- Spending time with Laura and Elem, laughing and learning Hungarian and Turkish
- Going to the grocery store at least once is not twice a week
- Talking to my host family about their lives and my life and planning events together
- Having to shoo bugs out of my room since there’s no screens
- Attempting to communicate with others in a language not my own
- Getting my vanília tejes kávé fahéjjal (vanilla milky coffee with cinnamon) from Pipacs Kávézó (Poppy Cafe)
But I must say goodbye to these things. I must let them go.
I discussed a bit about this process in my latest newsletter (which if you didn’t get, but want to read, just let me know!) and how I’m planning on saying goodbye to the people in my life in different, meaningful ways.
I said goodbye to one of the ladies in my church, who was the one to invite me to her house over Christmas to make cookies, by having dinner with her. She took me to a strudel (rétes in Hungarian—reh-tesh) place that she loves and has taken others to before. Below, you can see my meal!
The first picture is a meat strudel, filled with poultry, and the second is two kinds: Poppy seed and apple on top and then raspberry and túró (curd cheese) on the bottom with some chocolate sauce and powdered sugar!
It will hurt a lot to say goodbye to everything and everyone, but I must. I cannot stay here forever. And, of course, when I say “here,” I am not merely referring to the country, but also the program, mindset, and environment I am currently in. It all must change.
“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”
So, I’ve got one more month to get good with the change that’s coming. One more to say goodbye to my friends and my familiarities. One more month.
Wish me luck.